My Dark Side
by schokopocky
Summary: Lily Evans goes through a rough year.


I don't own anything and I'm not used to writing in English!

* * *

„_I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!"_

Some people might have known that these words directed at the Redhead meant that she would end the friendship with a particular Slytherin. But no one really understood what it meant to her deep down inside. At first the words knocked her down, Lily didn't know how to breathe anymore, but she found her strength again, she learned how to breathe again and how to hurt him the same way he had hurt her.

In the end the summer holidays came and she escaped home, to her family, at least she thought that it would be like that. When she crossed the barrier from Platform 9 ¾ Petunia stood there, waiting, disgusted by what she saw. Lily told herself, that she shouldn't care. Since her sister started dating this strange muggle, they rarely spoke to each other even her mother stopped mentioning her in their letters. And on the ride home Petunia didn't even look at the redheaded witch hence, the latter decided to look outside the window of her sisters' car. It would be easier once they had a few days; at least she hoped it would be.

It did not get better. That very first evening home Vernon Dursley showed up and together with Petunia he announced, that they would get married at the end of the summer. That made the whole summer horrible. Lily longed for the end of the holidays, but the time seemed to slow down every time she peeked at the calendar. All in all her days home were like hell, in the last minute Vernon Dursley decided, that the redhead of the Evans-household should not be his fiancées maid of honour, since the pictures would be awful with her in them. Petunia did not argue and told this request in here usual icy tone. At that moment Lily was tempted to ditch the whole wedding. But she didn't. Her parents wouldn't want that to happen.

Since July was already quite hellish the young witch decided to escape the wedding preparations in August altogether. If she didn't just wander around their neighbourhood, she took the train to London to enter the Leaky Cauldron and Diagon Alley. That way everything seemed easier. Some days she walked through her most favourite shopping street, then on other days she tried Knockturn Alley. The latter only for the prickle that went over her skin as soon as some racist pureblood looked at her. For the first time Lily Evans understood why some stupid fellow Gryffindors enjoyed strolling around the castle at night. And here no one knew if she was pureblood or not. It wasn't written all over her face and no one asked. Other days she spent entirely at the Leaky Cauldron. Tom did not ask her anything, not even her age, when she ordered Firewhiskey. She never came home drunk. But well, she also spent some nights at the Leaky Cauldron.

The wedding came and with it the knowledge, that she would be on her way to Hogwarts on the day after it. Lily endured the whole thing; she even helped with a little magic since some mishaps happened. And then her mother and father took her to London the next morning, they said their good-byes, exchanged a few kisses and hugs so that Lily could cross over to the Platform.

It didn't even take a minute until she found her friends. They were happy, tanned and thrilled about their next year - all these emotions which Lily couldn't quite feel. That's why she was really happy to be sitting in the prefects' compartment of the train; no one bothered her there, not even the new Head Boy and Head Girl while they talked about their tasks. Lily did not care, she read her book and exchanged a few sentenced with Remus Lupin, her fellow prefect.

Overall even James Potter noticed that something was wrong with her. It took him three hours to come to the prefects' compartment and before he even had the chance to open his mouth, Lily looked up to silence him. "Fuck off," she said and he was baffled enough so that the redhead could stand up and leave her save haven. On her way out the young witch felt some confused looks on her but she was too absent to even care.

At least they all arrived in Hogwarts and the sixth year started. After their first encounter James Potter seemed to be a little unsure about her. For a few weeks she allowed herself to hope that he wouldn't ask her out any more. But he did: around Christmas he came grinning to her, asking her out for the last weekend to Hogsmeade, which Lily declined without even thinking twice about it. She told him that there was someone else she wanted to go with and to deepen the pain a little more she sat there at her house table, turned around and asked the Ravenclaw sitting there. A seventh year, she already talked to a few times due to the fact that they were both prefects. He agreed and Lily sent a swift glance towards James on whom this short conversation had the wished effect. He was quite shocked and exchanged irritated looks with his mates.

Her date the week before Christmas was lame. Until the minute they went back to the castle and Lily couldn't take it any longer, so she started to snog him. One thing led to another and a few hours later the all so famous Lily Evans left Ravenclaw tower and returned to her own common room and sat down near the fire place. It felt strange sitting there without her friends. But that's how her year went on. There were many men, she stopped counting them, and sometimes she didn't even care to ask for their name. Eastern came and then this year's exams, Lily did not care; she learned, shagged and ignored the curious glances her friends sent her. James Potter stopped asking her out because it seemed as if every time he asked her, she looked for someone new to shag. It was her way to say: "Fuck off, Potter, I'd rather sleep with the whole castle than go out with you."

The following summer holidays were quite boring. Since she was of age she really spent most of the time at London, even thinking about renting a flat and working at the Leaking Cauldron which led to a huge fight with her parents and more time at London.

Even the letter with the badge in it couldn't lift her spirit. That brought the question back 'What is wrong with me?' It could no longer be the loss of Severus Snape or the horrible way it had happened. Maybe it was the last year which seemed to be a dream, or rather a nightmare. In the train back to Hogwarts she knew that destiny wanted to punish her. Why else would James Potter be Head Boy? The moment she saw him enter the compartment with his mates and the badge showed on his robe, she felt sick. Lily tried to be as professional about that as possible which was easy at first. But at Hogwarts the situation changed.

* * *

No one really looked up to her. Her reputation from her fifth year was lost and the other prefects preferred to ask James if there were any questions. Lily felt her life slip away through her fingers more and more. Her friends were still bewildered with her behaviour, although she stopped shagging every bloke that looked at her. With every month the world around them went darker, the so called Death Eaters killed friends, family and threatened the wizard community. Lily herself was scared sometimes. But she kept it inside, talked to no one and started smoking to find the calm she normally found after her latest shag.

Most of the time, she was only worried about the family of her friends. No Death Eater would kill her own parents, although they were muggles. At least Lily hoped that. She went on with her tasks as Head Girl, talked from time to time to Potter – who seemed to have given up on her – and noticed fast that she had to change. But how? One night not long before Christmas Lily thought about going home for the holidays or staying in Hogwarts. These would be her last holidays in school, so she decided to stay here, just like her friends and the Marauders. There were few presents for her, but that was one more thing, she had no strength to complain about. Over the last weeks she managed to talk to her friends again, she tried to apologize and at least Marlene accepted her apology.

It was the middle of the night after Christmas Eve when Lily suddenly realized, that she should apologize to another person. However she did not really know how to explain herself. 'Hey Potter, I lost my best mate in fifth year, my sister treated me as if I did not exist and my parents are probably getting a divorce since they can't handle my going to Hogwarts.' Yeah, that would to the magic. Frustrated and not at least inspired she went down to the Head Office to do some work. Though it seemed, as if she wasn't the only wakefully person. An hour after she started writing reports the doors opened and Lily looked up do see Potter come in.

"Hey!"

"Hi Potter."

He sat down at the table which she already occupied.

"Couldn't sleep?"

She only raised an eyebrow, since her presence in the Head Office at roughly 2 a.m. answered that question without even saying anything.

"Okay, stupid question. So what are we doing here?" Lily noticed his uncertainty of his approach. Why was he here anyway?

"I am writing reports. Dunno why you came here."

There was a long silence in which Lily was tempted to look up and search for some sign of discomfort, hatred or hurt in his face. Though when she gave in to that temptation Lily couldn't find any of these emotions. James Potter seemed to be tired. Nonetheless he smiled as soon as he noticed her glance. For the first time in months Lily felt a blush coming up her cheeks.

"Be right back, kay," was all he said before he left the Head Office.

With a certain amount of confusion Lily followed his movement with her gaze. As soon as the door closed behind him she shook her head and looked down onto her parchment. Where was she?

It took Potter fifteen minutes to come back. And with him came sweets. Cauldron cake, Butterbeer, Brownies and so on. More and more confused by all this it took her some minutes to take it in and accept what he had done. The Head Boy didn't force a conversation upon her, which only led to more confusion, but it also calmed her down. Potter just sat there, kept an eye on here and ate the sweets he brought up from the kitchen. And at four o'clock Lily was ready to go back to bed, so she cleaned everything up – Potter remained in his chair – and went for the door. This time the redhead was unsure what to do, but the Quidditch captain already came towards her, when she sent a questioning look towards him.

They walked back to their dorm in silence and Lily was happy about it. Just when she was about to head up the stairs to her own room, she looked back towards James. And for the first time she realized something about his presence. It calmed her down. She hadn't had a cigarette since he came into the Office, she hadn't had a hateful thought about herself, she almost thought, that she could smile and mean it.

Without even knowing what she did Lily laid her hand on James' upper arm which brought his attention to her although he didn't seem to know what to expect.

"Thank you."

And with these two little words Lily darted for her room.

* * *

The next morning came and she almost thought positively about it. Her last year has been horrible but nonetheless this last night with Potter at her side – although they hadn't talked – gave her a strange strength. So Lily stood up, took a shower, went down for a late breakfast and received her mail. Which resulted in the world crashing down on her. It was a letter from the ministry.

_Dear Ms. Evans,_

_We're sorry to inform you about an incident that took place at approximately twelve o'clock last night in Cokeworth. Some muggles informed the local officials about a strange mark above a house in their neighborhood. An hour later an Auror checked the scene to find two muggles dead. With help of some neighbors we can confirm that these two muggles were Julian and Marilyn Evans._

_With sincere condolences,_

_Clara Stewarts_

There it was again. The strange feeling she had when Snape abandoned and exposed her like that. Now her parents were gone too. And she hadn't shown up for Christmas. She read the letter again and again just to make sure that she didn't understand something wrong. But there it was:

An incident in Cokeworth.

A strange mark above a house.

Two dead muggles.

Confirmed by neighbors.

Without thinking about it twice Lily stood up, she left the Great Hall, ignored the few blokes she ran into and continued her run upstairs. For the first few floors the young witch had no real destination. Then she decided fast and ran up to the Astronomy Tower. Only thanks to the railing Lily came to a halt. As soon as she felt the cold air creep up on her, she felt the urge to scream. And so she did.

It took her two weeks to decide what to do, how to behave and what to say to her friends. Because Lily hadn't told them anything about the letter. Maybe, just maybe, it wouldn't be real until she told someone. Professor McGonagall seemed to know, since she didn't send furious glances towards her as soon as her spell didn't work out as it should. Professor Slughorn also seemed to know about it, since he decided to let her brew whatever she wanted to brew. Professor Flitwick seemed to know, so he decided to let her sleep through his class. Those were the teachers who liked her. Others didn't care about it. In Defense she slacked off and got detention for it, in Herbology she got bitten and wasn't sent up to the Hospital Wing. Some people just didn't care. And most of them didn't care because her parents were nothing more than muggles. Why should they care?

It took her another week to let it sink in. Then she was excused for a week to go home and attend the funeral. At which Petunia sent her hateful looks, as if it was her fault. Okay, Lily knew that it was her fault. Her parents wouldn't have been a target, if she wouldn't be magical. And to top it all off, she knew exactly what had triggered the attack on her family.

On her way back to Hogwarts – Lily decided to take the Express, since she wasn't sure if she could apparate to Hogsmeade without splinching herself – she thought about her encounter with Snape at his birthday. He had given her a letter in which she was invited to a meeting. It was an Invitation to join the Death Eaters. Whilst reading it her hands trembled and she was tempted to punch her childhood friend. But she didn't. She just looked up, tore the parchment in halves, in quarters and eighth and so on. She had declined the offer. And she knew that it was extraordinary. Although she had done some stupid things in the last few months she knew how special that offer must have been, since she wasn't even a half-blood. Nevertheless Lily declined it and signed her family's death sentence in the same instant.

* * *

Once again no one talked to her after she came back. No one except James Potter. She did not quite understand how he could endure her presence, but most of the time he was there, sitting next to her, making jokes and talking about their tasks.

One night in March he wasn't there for her. And the moment she came back from her patrol to the Common Room she understood why: it was his birthday. Lily just had to smile, she crossed the room, searching for him and finding him after a few minutes.

"Happy Birthday, James!"

And with just that sentence she confused him once more. They weren't really friends but he was always present. Lily smiled directly at him before going up to her dorm. She didn't want to be part of the party.

An hour later it seemed as if James Prongs Potter decided that he didn't want to be part of it either. The knock on her door startled her a little bit. Just as much as it confused her to see Potter come in.

"Hey Evans!"

"Potter?"

"You know that you can talk to me, yeah?"

"Why should I?"

"Because my parents got killed by Death Eaters last summer holidays."

The bluntness of his words sucked the air out of Lilys lungs. She looked up from her bed, where she had been reading a book about Ancient Runes.

"I… didn't know…"

It took her about a minute to process this information. And another minute to understand why he had been different since the holidays.

James simply smiled while he closed the doors behind him and came to her bed to sit down on the floor in front of it.

"They were killed two days before school started again. I think I only came back because Padfoot told me to and Moony and Wormtail came to get me. And of course to see your lovely face again!" At the end he grinned at her which made her blush. Then he continued. "At first I didn't know what to do. I am an only child, my grandparents died before I was born and my aunts and uncles detested my family because we didn't hate muggle-borns."

It was strange listening to him, but Lily couldn't shut him out. Slowly she slipped out of her bed to sit at his side.

"You'll hate me for these words, Evans, but I swear that it will get better. You will learn how to deal with the pain and the loss. Although I'm afraid that you need to talk to someone and since you don't seem to like talking I am the one talking right now, mh?" His hazel eyes radiated warmth and Lily felt the urge to lean her head onto his shoulder but she resisted. Instead she nodded just the slightest.

"I didn't know that you knew."

"Marlene told me."

"Oh…"

For a few minutes they were silent.

"Why are you even here?"

James seemed to be surprised by this question.

"I was awful to you last year and until now I haven't explained myself or apologized or something like that."

"You don't need to apologize to me, Evans."

"But I should."

"Nah. Really not!"

Somehow the grin on his face made her smile.

"So, wanna talk about your parents, the last week, your fancying me…?"

Now she really laughed. Lily shook her head.

"You sure that you want me to fancy you, Potter?"

His grin only grew wider.

"Yep, quite sure. Had this feeling that you should fancy me since second grade."

Now that surprised her again.

"Second grade?"

"Yep."

"But we were only 12!"

"Nonetheless I fancied you."

"You couldn't!"

"I did!"

The energetic exchange of words came to an abrupt end. Lily just didn't know what else to say. So they were silent for a few more minutes.

"But you stopped asking me. You never asked me this year."

"Oh Evans, is that disappointment in your voice?"

Although she rolled her eyes at that she also smiled. This time it was James who picked up the subject.

"I didn't ask you because you were shagging some bloke every time I asked you last year. So I figured if I fancy you from far away you wouldn't shag another bloke and that would decimate the possibility for you to find the one you wanted to date and not to shag."

Somehow his words made her sigh.

"I'm sorry, James. About last year. I don't even have an excuse. You… I… Fifth year ended so badly, then my holidays were miserable and I just couldn't bear you asking me out every five minutes."

"Mh, got that. You had a bad year, Evans. Everyone has. See, Padfoot made a huge mistake last year and had to sleep on the couch in the Common Room for eight weeks. Wormtail was stupid the whole year and Remus still hasn't had sex! That's just sad. But we all got over it. And so will you."

For a few minutes she let that sink in, then, finally, Lily laid her head on his shoulder.

"Thanks Potter."

"Always Evans."

"You sure you want to be friends with me?"

"Sure about that."

"Really?"

"Well okay, I'd rather kiss you and stuff like that, but friendship is a nice enough start at it!"

Another blush crept up onto her cheeks.

"You still want to date me, although I slept with almost every bloke in our and sixth year?"

This question silenced him and Lily got tense. Of course he didn't want to date her. How could she assume that? And once again James Potter surprised her.

"How about next Saturday Hogsmeade? We could drink a Butterbeer and shop at Honeydukes? I'll pick you up after breakfast, 'kay?"

"Rosmerta said that she didn't want to see me at the pub. Shagged someone in the toilet, she found out and threw us out."

"That was you?"

"Yep, dyed my hair for it!"

"Pretty neat, Evans! Although I don't approve on the bloke. Nice enough location for a random shag."

Another laugh escaped her mouth.

"If someone heard you talk, Potter, that someone wouldn't think that you fancied me!"

"But I do!"

"You weren't jealous?"

"Oh don't ask about jealousy. Not me at least. Talk to my Quidditchteam and how practice went every time I saw you with another bloke."

"So you were jealous."

"Just told you: don't ask!"

This time she simply giggled. No one in the castle wanted her anymore. Except James Potter. He was patient.

"So what about Saturday?"

Lily met his gaze and smiled.

"Pick me up after breakfast. And we'll go to the Hog's Head okay?"

And suddenly he grinned at her as if she just told him that from now on every day would be like Christmas.

"Best birthday present ever, Evans!"


End file.
